I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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