i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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