i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
either way he was missing a nipple.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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