I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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