There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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