Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We don't watch enough power rangers
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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