I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
