I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The power of my boobs compel you
Randomize
