Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
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