So drunk its hurt
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
