Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
