The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
