I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
