No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
