You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
