Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
