Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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