if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
