he puts the penis in happiness.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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