ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
