i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
