who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
