broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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