How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
