My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
