I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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