Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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