wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
