So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
