someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
