I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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