New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
