mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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