Do you still have your period?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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