awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
