You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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