I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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