I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Randomize
