Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
