U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
