I'm really into asian looking animals
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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