I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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