Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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