I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
