Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
