if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
