I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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