I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
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Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
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did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.