You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
And the cops told us we were all naked.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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