dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
