i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i barfeds in our rink
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
