Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
In other news, I just burned my penis
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
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