Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
