I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
