Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
