my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
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Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
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Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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