If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
